The Little Things

When he takes his shoes off and place them neatly on the steps… When he’s thirsty, goes to the refrigerator grabs the apple juice then a cup from the dish rack and brings it to me to pour… When he hears the bath water running and immediately starts to undress himself to get inside the tub… When he’s too wet for his comfort and takes his pants off so that I can change him (we’re working on him staying seated on the toilet…it’s harder than most may think)… When he knows it’s time to go so he grabs his coat for me to put it on… When he pushes the stool the to refrigerator, stands on it to reach for the lucky charms cereal because he just has to eat all of the marshmallows… When he knows he is wrong for playing with the strings on the bedroom ceiling fans, sees me then immediately get down then tries to hug me so he won’t get in trouble… When after eating he puts his trash and everybody else’s trash in the trash can.

It’s those small things and then some that just fills my heart.

More and more he’s learning and grasping new things…though he isn’t speaking just yet I still remain hopeful that one day I’ll hear him call for me or at least tell Kaisen to “stop” when Kaisen picks with him.

Kids are a blessing even when people see them as different and even when you as their parent have to face the fact that “yeah he is different” but he’s mine and he’s a beautiful little person.

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I often times hear him say to me “Sugarpants life goes on” and while I agree and have witnessed first hand that it does indeed go on my heart will not let him go…I don’t think it ever will. Y’all good sincere people pray for me please…I swear I don’t want to not be in love again but I don’t want it if it won’t love me and my boys like this man did. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I know GOD has for me.

My Forever Love 💙

Today makes 3yrs since earth loss a genuine human and I the love of my life and father of my children. We all miss him tremendously. There’s not 5mins that goes by that I don’t think about him or see something that reminds me of him and often times I can still hear his voice. Like if I trip up the steps I can clearly him him laugh and say “you a trip Boo” or when I find myself constantly cleaning up behind the boys every time they pull out a toy or I’m washing hella clothes I hear him say “Sugarpants sit down…you always doing something”. Sometimes when my heart is super heavy I hear him say “I love you”. I know this will forever be a blow to my heart & a lump in my throat each time I think about him not being here physically but I do believe that he’s still with me…sometimes that’s comforting, at other times it isn’t enough. Today I believe it will be. 
My heart remains faithful💙 

Carry on 💙

I know I’m not the only one who often thinks “will my heart ever heal?” all while knowing the answer…in one word… “nope”. However, it is up to you to decide whether or not life’s worth living for yourself and for those who are left who love you with a heart that will never fully heal…share what you have left…you’d be surprise how much “heart” you have left to carry on 💙

Thank You 

Looking at my baby boys who just turned 4 and my teenager who just turned 15…I just wanna give a big bear hug to all of the single parents who have survived this and who are still fighting to survive, mothers especially who are raising boys to be men as best as they can alone and not because their dads had chosen not to be present but because someone else decided that they didn’t care if our sons dad remained present in their sons lives. 

To those moms…I salute you…I understand you…I admire you…I love you…I pray for you and your young men because I am you…I understand that most will agree that we as women are in no way capable to fully raise boys to be men and in all honestly I wouldn’t disagree with that but when our hand has been forced to do so…in most cases we as mothers give it everything that we got. We messed up and some will say we over love our boys…which ever way you see it…the fact still remains that most of us are here and we’re giving it our all despite our circumstances. 
I gain strength in watching my fellow single parents (men/women) keep it together even when the struggle gets extra real. And I just want to say thank you 💙 and may GOD continue to bless you.

Thoughts and memories of you are always welcomed and consoling…sometimes I’m not sure if those thoughts and memories are helping or hurting me because I often think that I can live off of those memories for the rest of my life but I know that I deserve more than memories…I am a love love type of girl. Memories is what’s getting me through but I want more than that. 

You Y